Imposter Syndrome: Working as a Mom
A question for myself over the last four years: am I an imposter?
I was relieved a term existed to summarize my fears around being exposed as a potential fraud when it came to working and mothering concurrently. In college, I remember thinking that I would have a job I loved (but didn't know what it would be) and that I would have a brood of kids -- and that I could be great at both. I saw people doing it around me all of the time. I thought.
Once the fog lifted and reality set in, I realized that there were many people who felt like they were only doing really well at one of those two things: work or children. For the most part, these women would share how they wish they could devote more time or energy to the other, and that if they could, life would feel so much more balanced.
Back in late 2018, a local magazine (Syracuse Woman Magazine) featured me in their Philanthropy Issue for the work that I do in this field. If you've read my PPD post, you can imagine how much I needed this. It gave me a boost of confidence, and to be honest, reminded me that I do have a skill-set and that I have put it to good use. I felt empowered and excited -- but these emotions faded to fear when I started to worry if I really did do those things, and if I could possibly be doing them well when I can barely remember if I've showered on any given work day. I work alongside my husband for our business so the added layer of feeling like he was the one with all of the ideas and the skills, and that I was the one just following along, was a nail in the coffin of imposter-syndrome-takeover. In the days leading up to the release of this article I could feel my gut heavy with nerves. Someone, surely, will see that I post tons of pictures of my kids on Instagram and feed them chicken nuggets all the time and wear my college roommate's old t-shirt from Forever 21 when I leave the house. They will never believe I am good at what I do! I am too much of a mom!
I relished in the celebratory comments my husband and close family gave me after the article was published. I was proud and it did feel good. But I would be lying if I said that I embraced what the author wrote and moved on with my newfound inner-strength and determination to take over the world. I still felt exhausted, and torn about how to spend my time, but now I had this self-imposed pressure to live up to the article. Am I doing groundbreaking things that qualify me as a leader here? Have I even found my place in the work world?
While I can't point to just one instance that mostly freed me of this negativity, it has been a relief, over time, to face this fear head on. The stories we tell ourselves, the ones that make us feel like we can't be good at what we were once good at, or that we can't be great at more than one thing, are just that: stories. The truth is, everyone started at the beginning of their motherhood or work-life tenure and was forced to grow. I needed to make myself uncomfortable by doing things with work that I was scared to do alone. You know when you sort-of gently force your kids to do something that you know they'll love even though they say they're scared? For us, I keep thinking of tube rides behind a boat. It's a bad example, really, because no one can force me into any water-related activities, but for all of our boys, they are so thrilled with themselves after just doing it.
Doing the hard things and slowly taking time to continue to revisit these feelings gave me the chance to shift my perspective and see that what I do personally does not need to automatically "take away" from what I can do professionally. And while the whole world continually seeks balance, I'm okay with knowing that many days and weeks, that just doesn't exist. Clarity around what I am capable of and what I know I am good at is enough for now. Back to posting messy pictures of my kids on Instagram.