How to Help a New Mom: A Story

Take it from me: we need less than you think.

I'm going to share a story that wasn't funny for a very long time in this household. It's about helping moms feed babies so they can sleep. It sounds simple. It isn't.

When Lawrence was a newbie, my sister (who is angel on earth and if you know her, you know this is true) would come to my house all of the time and help me during hours that were the hardest. For me, the midnight / 1am time period was the most brutal. She basically became my breastmilk assistant. I would pump during the day only a little bit and put a bottle in the fridge for that time of the night so she could heat it up and feed Lawrence while we slept, giving me a longer stretch of time to sleep. She is a night owl so this wasn't as torturous as it may sound for her. One night, after I nursed Lawrence around 8pm, I told her I was going to go in my bed to sleep while she held him, but that I'd be back down at 10pm to nurse him again so we could save the bottle for later in the night. This was the plan. Two women agreed upon it. Off I went. Smiling.

My husband came home from work travel that night around 9:45 and was so excited to see that there was a system in place and that he could potentially be a part of it. He claims that when he changed out of his suit, he checked on me and I looked super peaceful so he decided to heat up the bottle and feed Lawrence a few minutes before 10. (I know this is starting to read like a murder mystery novel. It's not, but that's how it felt.) He wasn't just ignoring the plan, he was taking a full blown leadership role in a new, unapproved plan. My sister was nervous. I wasn't there but I can only imagine her shifting her body weight uncomfortably on the couch and very softly suggesting that we stick to what we had already decided. Obviously, he didn't.

At 10pm sharp, after my phone alarm went off, I went pee, filled my water, and came downstairs to see a very happy father holding a very sleepy and full baby with an empty bottle on the table. I wish I could recall what I said in that moment but I think I blacked out. You mean to tell me that I now lost my breastmilk assistant for the midnight shift because you wanted to give Lawrence the bottle at the slot designated for nursing?! And I now need to try to fall back to sleep and come back down in two hours when he needs to eat again? And you used the only bottle I had pumped for the day at a time I planned to be awake?!? I. Lost. My. Mind. The postpartum version of "welcome home, hunny!"

Moms have the responsibility of communicating directly and unapologetically for their needs. We need to advocate for ourselves and articulate what works and what does not. Others (our partners, family, friends and visitors) have the responsibility of making sure that we can sleep, eat and clean ourselves. That is it. If you want to hold my kid while I take a nap, great; if you can also promise me that you'll wake me up when you can tell that the kid seems hungry so I can feed the baby if I want to, even better! If you brought me something to eat, wonderful. If you don't want to leave until I've taken a shower, the best. Any one of these is tremendous. We have basic needs in postpartum. Sometimes we can't think straight and it's enormously helpful to have a mom, sister, friend or neighbor help to talk through a plan that worked for them that you can steal and adopt as your own. But whatever the plan is, it better involve sleep and food for both the mom and child, and it better not be blown up by a man.

*I think I did mumble an acknowledgment of my husband's efforts a couple of years after this incident happened; maybe even gratitude for trying. If I didn't, I'll hear about it as soon as he reads this post. 

A blurry picture of my sister holding my child in a
position that hurts your arms but makes the crying stop.